Bites

Published September 2010.

Three angels are sent down to bring good to the world: Gabriel, the warrior; Ivy, the healer; and Bethany, a teenager girl who is the least experienced of the trio. But she is the most human, and when she is romantically drawn to a mortal boy, the angels fear she will not be strong enough to save anyone – especially herself – from the Dark Forces.

Is love a great-enough power against evil? (book back blurb)
DNF with a big, fat, capital RETCH. When I first got this book I thought it sounded really interesting and not too long after the ARCs were distributed rave reviews were coming out about it. Great! Then the article came out that made modern women’s ovaries die. And then the revelation came that this novel is a TWILIGHT fanfiction heavily influenced by TWILIGHT. Add in Christian moralizing and 1950’s gender roles and I let it slide for a while. Until now.
Oh I have not had a lulz novel like this probably since TWILIGHT. I so wanted to read all the way through so I could enjoy the lulz to the fullest extent. Alas, I could not. I’m not a fan of drowning in excessive and needless description. I’m also pretty rankled that Gabriel, THE archangel, has been reduced to cooking mushroom risotto. How Adnornetto survived this smiting, I have no idea. If she’d been fucking with Supernatural’s Gabriel, she’d spend the rest of her life in a herpes commercial.



There were just far too many inconsistencies for my liking. Like that Bethany (WTF kind of angel name is that anyway?) knowing next to nothing about humans but she sure had a knack for spotting fashion. I wouldn’t think she’d know what cashmere or a Peter Pan collar was. And don’t forget Bethany mooing about how plain, average, boring, etc. she was. We mustn’t ever forget that. Because it’s repeated constantly. Right, TWILIGHT? Wait, what book was I reading?

One of the biggest kickers in the mere 100 pages that I read was the angels of Light being sent down to Earth to save people from the Agents of Darkness . . . in a very white, rich, cozy beach town. OMG THE HORROR!!!! How will they ever accomplish their mission? SAVE WHITEY! Save the white prep school! For serious, did God have nowhere else to send them or was this the place where you send the “special” kids to make them feel like they’re contributing?
Other gems worth mentioning: the angels’ last name is Church (you’re fucking kidding me), Bethany needs to be saved by Xavier when she’s drunk (just cut off her effing wings now), Bethany is a fallen angel without actually falling (sorry, you don’t get to say fuck it to your mission from god for RPattz hair and turquoise eyes and get to remain in his grace, I’m not even fucking baptized and I know that), Molly (the Babylonian whore, apparently) was already chastised by the super pure Xavier for leading Bethany astray, Gabriel admits to them being human and making mistakes (uh . . . wha . . .?). Imagine what I would find if I read more than 100 pages.
What a self-serving, moralizing, preaching pile of horsefunk this is. Why was this not published with a Christian publisher? Because it’s obviously trying to force a message down the readers’ throat. Alexandra, maybe you feel your place is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen with your man to protect you but don’t try to teach the human race moral lessons through thinly disguised self-insert fiction. I feel bad for this girl. She’s so young and already she’s reaching Jerry Falwell levels of douchery. I don’t appreciate being told how horrible I am for the things I do with a hypocritical vag of an angel character that would SOONER LOSE HER GOD’S GRACE THAN LOSE THE EYE OF THE HOT CAPTAIN BOY. And Molly’s the immoral, demon-possessed slut.
Holy shit balls. I’d recommend this book to the young Ann Coulters of the world that believe Christianity is the all-encompassing shit and women are merely things to be controlled by the menfolk. This is TWILIGHT on steroids. It’s quite frankly insulting to be preached to by a hypocrite.
To keep my tangent in check I’m going to end this here but I will leave you with some lulz-worthy quotes that made me go –

It seemed from my reading of literature that being in love meant becoming the beloved’s entire world. The rest of the universe paled into insignificance compared to the lovers. When they were separated, each fell into a melancholy state, and when they were reunited their hearts started beating again. Only when they were together could they really see the colors of the world. When they were apart, that color leeched away, leaving everything a hazy gray. (pg 12 ARC)

I think the medical world would refer to that as the unhealthy obsession of one suffering from bipolar disorder.

It had been decided that a school would be a useful place to begin our work of countering the emissaries of darkness, given it was full of young people whose values were still evolving. (pg 21 ARC)

Read: influential teenage brains are easier to manipulate.
I’d listened in on the prayers of teenage girls and most of them centered on being accepted by the “popular” crowd and finding a boyfriend who played on the rugby team. (pg 27 ARC)
Fan of pigeonholes, are we?

We had predicted that our arrival was bound to make an impression but we hadn’t counted on people stopping to openly gawk at us, or stepping aside as though they were being visited by royalty., (pg 29 ARC)

Modesty’s an over-rated human trait anyway.

I was starting to get a sense of the extent of the damage done by the Agents of Darkness and it wasn’t looking good. (pg 35 ARC, in response to an uptick in robberies, freak accidents and the flu)

Oh noes! Not teh sniffles!
That was going to be a problem during games seeing as we angels didn’t have a navel – just smooth white skin, freckle and indentation free. (pg 42 ARC)
Can someone let the neo-Nazis know that the Aryan nation has relocated to Heaven? Thanks.
“They all seem lost to me,” Gabe said. “I wonder if any of them really know what life is all about. I didn’t realize we’d be starting from scratch. This is going to be harder than I thought.” He fell silent and we all were reminded of the epic task we had ahead of us. (pg 48 ARC, in response to the normal actions of teenage girls seeing a good-looking guy)
Don’t stress yourself out. We all know how horrible teenage girls can be. Maybe that option of going to Africa to deal with those silly mercenaries might have been a little easier.

The proverb that Cleanliness is next to Godliness couldn’t have been more accurate. (pg 77 ARC, in response to Molly’s messy locker).

Are you fucking kidding me?
We thought of technology as a sort of corrupting influence, promoting antisocial behavior and detracting from family values. (pg 101 ARC)
I hope you don’t break your neck falling off of that high horse of yours.

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